Come Wake Me Up..

"Tonight your memory burns like a fire... I just sit in these flames, and pray that you'll come back...

Times not healing anything.. this pain is worst than it ever was."

The pain burns inside of me. My heart hurts. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all. But faith isn't something to take so lightly. I've never been so good with patience. God knows everything that I need in my life, and He has brought me to places I've never ever imagined. I have never had a doubt that God wouldn't provide for me for whatever I may be in need of; ever.

The last thing I want on my mind is fear. With my life in crumbles from the choices I have made, the one thing I need to be in control of is my fear. I'm afraid to let anyone really in on what my deal is. Some days I am completely confident in myself. Some days I know what I want, what I need, and how to get there. Tonight, tonight is different. My mind is just a cloud of uncertainty. Yesterday someone took pain to the next level. She lost herself along the way, and I'm not sure she will ever be the same. I tell her every chance I get that I love her, that she is strong, and that her potential is so great, so grand, that she can be unstoppable. But she doesn't want to change. She doesn't want to quit the life she's sucked into.

Just a few months ago, a very wise friend of mine explained to me what depression is, what it does to someone. And it made perfect sense. It starts as one issue, something small, something you would normally sweep under the rug, and shrug off. Then it has a snowball effect, one issue, one problem, after another, and another, until your problems and your sadness becomes a black hole, that spins and sucks you in, and once you are in this black hole (the devils special black hole), Satan feeds you the food that makes you imprison yourself. Makes you consume your mind with hatred, your heart with anger. You try to pull yourself up by the bars you have surrounded yourself with, but you have let yourself get weak, useless. And you continue to just drown yourself in sorrow, pain, mistakes, negativity. Having been in that cell, on the floor, knife in hand, pill location mapped out in your head just in case plan A isn't enough to put you out of your misery. You sit there, in your puddle of tears, desperation, pain, angry, sadness. You want to die. And you only know one way out of this black hole. And you are going to do it. You called everyone on your contact list, no one cares about you, no one wants to talk to a failure. No one wants you in their life anyways. They are better off without you. Your parents haven't checked on you for months, they have their own lives, other children of their own to worry about. They made it clear that it was too late to be forgiven. Its your only option. And then you stand up. You hear a knock at the door, you don't even bother to hide your shame on that bathroom floor. You answer the door, you aren't out of the black hole just yet, but you are starting to feel the warmth of the light, trying, begging you to just let it shine. Shine on all of your darkness, shine on all of your pain. At the door you are embarrassed. Its the call that saved your life. They get you help, they take care of you. Your hands are behind your back, you are uncomfortable, but not as sore as you were on that cold dark floor. You sit in the white room, they are watching and protecting you, from who? From yourself. From Satan. Your parents pick you up, by surprise, they want to pick through your thought process. What? Why? How? When? Where? And even though you dread the embarrassment, and the shame you suddenly realize God saved you. He swooped in with the angels and He pulled you out. Your parents talk to you, your contact list calls you back. And you find your way, everyday you wake up and you have a choice, light or dark. You wake up to the sun and you open your heart you open your ears, your eyes, the senses come alive. You are alive, because God is alive, and He reached down. He saved you. And you are free from the chains, you are no longer bound by the bars. You need to have faith in yourself. Always hope on what is real. And love that God saved you on that cross. 3 nails, 3 days, 3 in one. He was perfect and your sins were washed away. Be free, happy, live.

When you think you can't do it anymore, you need to stand. Stand up and face your fears, your pain, your issues, stand and raise your hands. God will be there. You will never be alone, ever.