Never Again.

All of a sudden I'm seeing everything for the first time. So many things are different, so many people changed. I feel like I've been in a coma for years now!
I don't know how many times in high school I rededicated my life to Christ, I was never a "bad" kid, always had great friends (ones I still talk to today!), mostly had good grades. And then I met a boy, one that I still love, but one that I let change me, inside and out. Not because he wanted me to change, but because I assumed that he didn't actually love me for me, like he did. I forgot that I was fearfully and wonderfully made by my Maker, and so I changed. I put this wall up around my life between my great friends, my great family, my best friend and my God. I thought if I was it my "cage" I wouldn't get hurt and I could do whatever I wanted. I had that wall surrounding me for so long I forgot how beautiful life is, how immaculate the world is, how there are so many other people going through so many other, more difficult things, and I lied to myself, everyday I lied to myself. How could you do this to me God? What have I done to deserve this? Why did you leave me? How come I have to go through this, now? Why God?
I was so angry for so long, I blamed everyone else for my downfalls. I especially blamed my best friend and my boyfriend at the time. He never deserved that. Ever. People had him all wrong, some still do. He has had a pretty rough life, he is the sole provider for most of his family, he lost a mother, and I was so selfish, so undeserving. No matter what we had to go through, we had each others backs, but when we failed, I blamed it all on him. Close to taking my own life and I still didn't see all of the blessings God had poured out despite my "caged-in" selfishness. God can be all places and spaces, and He is there, always. I had no idea that today I would be writing about all of this, nor had I ever wanted to be able to write this. But God gives us free will, and when we chose to use it selfishly it will destroy us, completely. Easter weekend, I chose to live selflessly through God's free will. I have yet to learn about what God is ultimately doing with my life, but whatever it is I know that God is where I find my happiness and my joy forever. Nothing will ever move me further from God again, because now I can see and hear and feel Him in my life, everyday. I'm never alone. And you are never alone. Ever.

Don't Mind if I do.

It's been so long since I have really sat back and took a good look at my life and where I am compared to where I was. Its hard for me to do so, because I have never really been happy with any of my accomplishments. Crazy as it sounds, but I have always lived my life for other people, for their approval, and acceptance. Not in an out of control kind of way in reguards to peer pressure, and such, just in a way that I please the people that surround me. Today I have realized many things for my life, ones in which will most likely dissappoint people in my environment. I have also come to understand, that its ok to dissappoint people. As long as I am serving the Lord and doing His will, He will take care of the rest. There is no doubt in my mind that I will make a great life for myself and later include my husband and children. For now I will have to make my decisions on my own about my life no matter the approval of others in my life, I only need 2 approvals, my own (right from wrong) and God's. He will reveal to me the steps to take and the places to go to do His purpose. I will find my happiness, only through Him.
Matthew 16:24-25

Pain is Gain

As I'm currently working towards my future, I am still very unsure of many scenarios. Like where will I end up in 5years? 10years? 20years? And I have a constant battle with myself about where I should be at this time or that time, that I forget to not worry, I forget that my plans are made and that now is my time to shine for the Lord, because everything will fall into place. I don't know who I will end up with, or what I will end up doing, but all I know, and all I need to know is that He has it all written for me and He will always have my back. No matter what.
Its funny, today I was going to pick up one of the kids I nanny for and I saw this license plate that read, "Don't worry, God has everything under control." Its amazing how God shows His reassurance and His clarity. That's when I really realized, I no longer have to be stressed, or worried, God knows what He is doing, and as long as I'm listening with both ears, I will not stray off His path, paved for me.
God is good. Oh so good.

Ms Independent

At this point in my life i have to learn independence from everyone else in my life. The only one I can rely on is God. He will never leave me nor forsake me. I have spent too much time trying to fix my relationships with others, some of them could care less how much effort I'm putting forth, then I have people in my life that see my progress and all of the adjustments I have had to make in my life.
This past weekend was Easter 2012. Milford Christian Church put on an Anointed, stages of the cross interactive session. I was blown away at the grace I felt overcome me, I have never felt so unworthy and so humbled by such a strong story. And to have it right in front of my face and broken down to each stage of Jesus' Ending, it was just so incredible to me. I never saw His death as such an amazing sacrifice. I knew what He had done for me was beyond my comprehension through out my youth, but to sit at the foot of the cross and come to the realization of his compassion and pure love, I couldn't do much but weep in happiness and it remorse. I have not lived my life like I should, and throughout I knew that halfheartedly it was wrong.

After this weekend I know I'm going to be okay, whatever God throws at me is nothing compared to what Jesus endured the day He was beaten, mocked and crucified for ME and YOU. Yeah I know I'll be okay. More than okay. This is my chance to really live for God.