Never Again.

All of a sudden I'm seeing everything for the first time. So many things are different, so many people changed. I feel like I've been in a coma for years now!
I don't know how many times in high school I rededicated my life to Christ, I was never a "bad" kid, always had great friends (ones I still talk to today!), mostly had good grades. And then I met a boy, one that I still love, but one that I let change me, inside and out. Not because he wanted me to change, but because I assumed that he didn't actually love me for me, like he did. I forgot that I was fearfully and wonderfully made by my Maker, and so I changed. I put this wall up around my life between my great friends, my great family, my best friend and my God. I thought if I was it my "cage" I wouldn't get hurt and I could do whatever I wanted. I had that wall surrounding me for so long I forgot how beautiful life is, how immaculate the world is, how there are so many other people going through so many other, more difficult things, and I lied to myself, everyday I lied to myself. How could you do this to me God? What have I done to deserve this? Why did you leave me? How come I have to go through this, now? Why God?
I was so angry for so long, I blamed everyone else for my downfalls. I especially blamed my best friend and my boyfriend at the time. He never deserved that. Ever. People had him all wrong, some still do. He has had a pretty rough life, he is the sole provider for most of his family, he lost a mother, and I was so selfish, so undeserving. No matter what we had to go through, we had each others backs, but when we failed, I blamed it all on him. Close to taking my own life and I still didn't see all of the blessings God had poured out despite my "caged-in" selfishness. God can be all places and spaces, and He is there, always. I had no idea that today I would be writing about all of this, nor had I ever wanted to be able to write this. But God gives us free will, and when we chose to use it selfishly it will destroy us, completely. Easter weekend, I chose to live selflessly through God's free will. I have yet to learn about what God is ultimately doing with my life, but whatever it is I know that God is where I find my happiness and my joy forever. Nothing will ever move me further from God again, because now I can see and hear and feel Him in my life, everyday. I'm never alone. And you are never alone. Ever.