I am not so good with patience. And of any time there ever was, now is the time for me to use it. I have so much more to live through, and I just need to be patient for it all to unfold. God knows exactly where I need to be, and exactly who I need to be with.
I need to be with no one. I need to be with God. And then I will be happy. God with provide. He will.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Come Wake Me Up..
"Tonight your memory burns like a fire... I just sit in these flames, and pray that you'll come back...
Times not healing anything.. this pain is worst than it ever was."
The pain burns inside of me. My heart hurts. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all. But faith isn't something to take so lightly. I've never been so good with patience. God knows everything that I need in my life, and He has brought me to places I've never ever imagined. I have never had a doubt that God wouldn't provide for me for whatever I may be in need of; ever.
The last thing I want on my mind is fear. With my life in crumbles from the choices I have made, the one thing I need to be in control of is my fear. I'm afraid to let anyone really in on what my deal is. Some days I am completely confident in myself. Some days I know what I want, what I need, and how to get there. Tonight, tonight is different. My mind is just a cloud of uncertainty. Yesterday someone took pain to the next level. She lost herself along the way, and I'm not sure she will ever be the same. I tell her every chance I get that I love her, that she is strong, and that her potential is so great, so grand, that she can be unstoppable. But she doesn't want to change. She doesn't want to quit the life she's sucked into.
Just a few months ago, a very wise friend of mine explained to me what depression is, what it does to someone. And it made perfect sense. It starts as one issue, something small, something you would normally sweep under the rug, and shrug off. Then it has a snowball effect, one issue, one problem, after another, and another, until your problems and your sadness becomes a black hole, that spins and sucks you in, and once you are in this black hole (the devils special black hole), Satan feeds you the food that makes you imprison yourself. Makes you consume your mind with hatred, your heart with anger. You try to pull yourself up by the bars you have surrounded yourself with, but you have let yourself get weak, useless. And you continue to just drown yourself in sorrow, pain, mistakes, negativity. Having been in that cell, on the floor, knife in hand, pill location mapped out in your head just in case plan A isn't enough to put you out of your misery. You sit there, in your puddle of tears, desperation, pain, angry, sadness. You want to die. And you only know one way out of this black hole. And you are going to do it. You called everyone on your contact list, no one cares about you, no one wants to talk to a failure. No one wants you in their life anyways. They are better off without you. Your parents haven't checked on you for months, they have their own lives, other children of their own to worry about. They made it clear that it was too late to be forgiven. Its your only option. And then you stand up. You hear a knock at the door, you don't even bother to hide your shame on that bathroom floor. You answer the door, you aren't out of the black hole just yet, but you are starting to feel the warmth of the light, trying, begging you to just let it shine. Shine on all of your darkness, shine on all of your pain. At the door you are embarrassed. Its the call that saved your life. They get you help, they take care of you. Your hands are behind your back, you are uncomfortable, but not as sore as you were on that cold dark floor. You sit in the white room, they are watching and protecting you, from who? From yourself. From Satan. Your parents pick you up, by surprise, they want to pick through your thought process. What? Why? How? When? Where? And even though you dread the embarrassment, and the shame you suddenly realize God saved you. He swooped in with the angels and He pulled you out. Your parents talk to you, your contact list calls you back. And you find your way, everyday you wake up and you have a choice, light or dark. You wake up to the sun and you open your heart you open your ears, your eyes, the senses come alive. You are alive, because God is alive, and He reached down. He saved you. And you are free from the chains, you are no longer bound by the bars. You need to have faith in yourself. Always hope on what is real. And love that God saved you on that cross. 3 nails, 3 days, 3 in one. He was perfect and your sins were washed away. Be free, happy, live.
When you think you can't do it anymore, you need to stand. Stand up and face your fears, your pain, your issues, stand and raise your hands. God will be there. You will never be alone, ever.
Times not healing anything.. this pain is worst than it ever was."
The pain burns inside of me. My heart hurts. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all. But faith isn't something to take so lightly. I've never been so good with patience. God knows everything that I need in my life, and He has brought me to places I've never ever imagined. I have never had a doubt that God wouldn't provide for me for whatever I may be in need of; ever.
The last thing I want on my mind is fear. With my life in crumbles from the choices I have made, the one thing I need to be in control of is my fear. I'm afraid to let anyone really in on what my deal is. Some days I am completely confident in myself. Some days I know what I want, what I need, and how to get there. Tonight, tonight is different. My mind is just a cloud of uncertainty. Yesterday someone took pain to the next level. She lost herself along the way, and I'm not sure she will ever be the same. I tell her every chance I get that I love her, that she is strong, and that her potential is so great, so grand, that she can be unstoppable. But she doesn't want to change. She doesn't want to quit the life she's sucked into.
Just a few months ago, a very wise friend of mine explained to me what depression is, what it does to someone. And it made perfect sense. It starts as one issue, something small, something you would normally sweep under the rug, and shrug off. Then it has a snowball effect, one issue, one problem, after another, and another, until your problems and your sadness becomes a black hole, that spins and sucks you in, and once you are in this black hole (the devils special black hole), Satan feeds you the food that makes you imprison yourself. Makes you consume your mind with hatred, your heart with anger. You try to pull yourself up by the bars you have surrounded yourself with, but you have let yourself get weak, useless. And you continue to just drown yourself in sorrow, pain, mistakes, negativity. Having been in that cell, on the floor, knife in hand, pill location mapped out in your head just in case plan A isn't enough to put you out of your misery. You sit there, in your puddle of tears, desperation, pain, angry, sadness. You want to die. And you only know one way out of this black hole. And you are going to do it. You called everyone on your contact list, no one cares about you, no one wants to talk to a failure. No one wants you in their life anyways. They are better off without you. Your parents haven't checked on you for months, they have their own lives, other children of their own to worry about. They made it clear that it was too late to be forgiven. Its your only option. And then you stand up. You hear a knock at the door, you don't even bother to hide your shame on that bathroom floor. You answer the door, you aren't out of the black hole just yet, but you are starting to feel the warmth of the light, trying, begging you to just let it shine. Shine on all of your darkness, shine on all of your pain. At the door you are embarrassed. Its the call that saved your life. They get you help, they take care of you. Your hands are behind your back, you are uncomfortable, but not as sore as you were on that cold dark floor. You sit in the white room, they are watching and protecting you, from who? From yourself. From Satan. Your parents pick you up, by surprise, they want to pick through your thought process. What? Why? How? When? Where? And even though you dread the embarrassment, and the shame you suddenly realize God saved you. He swooped in with the angels and He pulled you out. Your parents talk to you, your contact list calls you back. And you find your way, everyday you wake up and you have a choice, light or dark. You wake up to the sun and you open your heart you open your ears, your eyes, the senses come alive. You are alive, because God is alive, and He reached down. He saved you. And you are free from the chains, you are no longer bound by the bars. You need to have faith in yourself. Always hope on what is real. And love that God saved you on that cross. 3 nails, 3 days, 3 in one. He was perfect and your sins were washed away. Be free, happy, live.
When you think you can't do it anymore, you need to stand. Stand up and face your fears, your pain, your issues, stand and raise your hands. God will be there. You will never be alone, ever.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Where am I now?
Everyday its sunny. Everyday its warm. Palm trees and water surround me. Its paradise. But its never going to be home. Im a little homesick. Last weekend my best friends came down to visit me and we had a blast! We really tried out the town of New Orleans. We ate great food and we enjoyed wonderful music.
I have decided to embark on another new adventure. One that my mind started in January, but my body is slowly following. Starting today I am going to lose this weight. I am 5'6" and I need to be 150lbs by January 2012. Thats my goal, and I know I will accomplish it! Found a new nanny job thats a couple blocks away from me, and I am walking to and from work everyday. Drinking only water and cutting my calories back down to 1,500 a day only. Low carb foods and lots of fruits and veggies. I can't keep letting myself down and giving up on myself. Because I am the only person I got. My prayers this next year is to regain my health and confidence and strength. I can do it. I am going to do it. No questions. No doubt.
I have decided to embark on another new adventure. One that my mind started in January, but my body is slowly following. Starting today I am going to lose this weight. I am 5'6" and I need to be 150lbs by January 2012. Thats my goal, and I know I will accomplish it! Found a new nanny job thats a couple blocks away from me, and I am walking to and from work everyday. Drinking only water and cutting my calories back down to 1,500 a day only. Low carb foods and lots of fruits and veggies. I can't keep letting myself down and giving up on myself. Because I am the only person I got. My prayers this next year is to regain my health and confidence and strength. I can do it. I am going to do it. No questions. No doubt.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The Time is Now.
I have been wrestling with the idea of moving to New Orleans since October 2011. When I think of all the pros and cons, positive outweighs the negative. I will miss the friends I have made over the years, and the family that loves me. But when I look at my life it has been surrounded by one thing and even though most people think it may have been a mistake, it has made me who i am. I want to move to be on my own, completely, and to focus on me and my God for a change. I need the change of scenery even for just a year. I am so young and I do not want to waste my life. Its time I stand up for myself and speak up for my dreams. If I have to start from the bottom again, I'm OK with that, because it will mold me into the person I want to be. The person I am deep down. Thank you to those who have supported me from day one, I will love you for my entire life.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Never Again.
All of a sudden I'm seeing everything for the first time. So many things are different, so many people changed. I feel like I've been in a coma for years now!
I don't know how many times in high school I rededicated my life to Christ, I was never a "bad" kid, always had great friends (ones I still talk to today!), mostly had good grades. And then I met a boy, one that I still love, but one that I let change me, inside and out. Not because he wanted me to change, but because I assumed that he didn't actually love me for me, like he did. I forgot that I was fearfully and wonderfully made by my Maker, and so I changed. I put this wall up around my life between my great friends, my great family, my best friend and my God. I thought if I was it my "cage" I wouldn't get hurt and I could do whatever I wanted. I had that wall surrounding me for so long I forgot how beautiful life is, how immaculate the world is, how there are so many other people going through so many other, more difficult things, and I lied to myself, everyday I lied to myself. How could you do this to me God? What have I done to deserve this? Why did you leave me? How come I have to go through this, now? Why God?
I was so angry for so long, I blamed everyone else for my downfalls. I especially blamed my best friend and my boyfriend at the time. He never deserved that. Ever. People had him all wrong, some still do. He has had a pretty rough life, he is the sole provider for most of his family, he lost a mother, and I was so selfish, so undeserving. No matter what we had to go through, we had each others backs, but when we failed, I blamed it all on him. Close to taking my own life and I still didn't see all of the blessings God had poured out despite my "caged-in" selfishness. God can be all places and spaces, and He is there, always. I had no idea that today I would be writing about all of this, nor had I ever wanted to be able to write this. But God gives us free will, and when we chose to use it selfishly it will destroy us, completely. Easter weekend, I chose to live selflessly through God's free will. I have yet to learn about what God is ultimately doing with my life, but whatever it is I know that God is where I find my happiness and my joy forever. Nothing will ever move me further from God again, because now I can see and hear and feel Him in my life, everyday. I'm never alone. And you are never alone. Ever.
I don't know how many times in high school I rededicated my life to Christ, I was never a "bad" kid, always had great friends (ones I still talk to today!), mostly had good grades. And then I met a boy, one that I still love, but one that I let change me, inside and out. Not because he wanted me to change, but because I assumed that he didn't actually love me for me, like he did. I forgot that I was fearfully and wonderfully made by my Maker, and so I changed. I put this wall up around my life between my great friends, my great family, my best friend and my God. I thought if I was it my "cage" I wouldn't get hurt and I could do whatever I wanted. I had that wall surrounding me for so long I forgot how beautiful life is, how immaculate the world is, how there are so many other people going through so many other, more difficult things, and I lied to myself, everyday I lied to myself. How could you do this to me God? What have I done to deserve this? Why did you leave me? How come I have to go through this, now? Why God?
I was so angry for so long, I blamed everyone else for my downfalls. I especially blamed my best friend and my boyfriend at the time. He never deserved that. Ever. People had him all wrong, some still do. He has had a pretty rough life, he is the sole provider for most of his family, he lost a mother, and I was so selfish, so undeserving. No matter what we had to go through, we had each others backs, but when we failed, I blamed it all on him. Close to taking my own life and I still didn't see all of the blessings God had poured out despite my "caged-in" selfishness. God can be all places and spaces, and He is there, always. I had no idea that today I would be writing about all of this, nor had I ever wanted to be able to write this. But God gives us free will, and when we chose to use it selfishly it will destroy us, completely. Easter weekend, I chose to live selflessly through God's free will. I have yet to learn about what God is ultimately doing with my life, but whatever it is I know that God is where I find my happiness and my joy forever. Nothing will ever move me further from God again, because now I can see and hear and feel Him in my life, everyday. I'm never alone. And you are never alone. Ever.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Don't Mind if I do.
It's been so long since I have really sat back and took a good look at my life and where I am compared to where I was. Its hard for me to do so, because I have never really been happy with any of my accomplishments. Crazy as it sounds, but I have always lived my life for other people, for their approval, and acceptance. Not in an out of control kind of way in reguards to peer pressure, and such, just in a way that I please the people that surround me. Today I have realized many things for my life, ones in which will most likely dissappoint people in my environment. I have also come to understand, that its ok to dissappoint people. As long as I am serving the Lord and doing His will, He will take care of the rest. There is no doubt in my mind that I will make a great life for myself and later include my husband and children. For now I will have to make my decisions on my own about my life no matter the approval of others in my life, I only need 2 approvals, my own (right from wrong) and God's. He will reveal to me the steps to take and the places to go to do His purpose. I will find my happiness, only through Him.
Matthew 16:24-25
Matthew 16:24-25
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Pain is Gain
As I'm currently working towards my future, I am still very unsure of many scenarios. Like where will I end up in 5years? 10years? 20years? And I have a constant battle with myself about where I should be at this time or that time, that I forget to not worry, I forget that my plans are made and that now is my time to shine for the Lord, because everything will fall into place. I don't know who I will end up with, or what I will end up doing, but all I know, and all I need to know is that He has it all written for me and He will always have my back. No matter what.
Its funny, today I was going to pick up one of the kids I nanny for and I saw this license plate that read, "Don't worry, God has everything under control." Its amazing how God shows His reassurance and His clarity. That's when I really realized, I no longer have to be stressed, or worried, God knows what He is doing, and as long as I'm listening with both ears, I will not stray off His path, paved for me.
God is good. Oh so good.
Its funny, today I was going to pick up one of the kids I nanny for and I saw this license plate that read, "Don't worry, God has everything under control." Its amazing how God shows His reassurance and His clarity. That's when I really realized, I no longer have to be stressed, or worried, God knows what He is doing, and as long as I'm listening with both ears, I will not stray off His path, paved for me.
God is good. Oh so good.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Ms Independent
At this point in my life i have to learn independence from everyone else in my life. The only one I can rely on is God. He will never leave me nor forsake me. I have spent too much time trying to fix my relationships with others, some of them could care less how much effort I'm putting forth, then I have people in my life that see my progress and all of the adjustments I have had to make in my life.
This past weekend was Easter 2012. Milford Christian Church put on an Anointed, stages of the cross interactive session. I was blown away at the grace I felt overcome me, I have never felt so unworthy and so humbled by such a strong story. And to have it right in front of my face and broken down to each stage of Jesus' Ending, it was just so incredible to me. I never saw His death as such an amazing sacrifice. I knew what He had done for me was beyond my comprehension through out my youth, but to sit at the foot of the cross and come to the realization of his compassion and pure love, I couldn't do much but weep in happiness and it remorse. I have not lived my life like I should, and throughout I knew that halfheartedly it was wrong.
After this weekend I know I'm going to be okay, whatever God throws at me is nothing compared to what Jesus endured the day He was beaten, mocked and crucified for ME and YOU. Yeah I know I'll be okay. More than okay. This is my chance to really live for God.
This past weekend was Easter 2012. Milford Christian Church put on an Anointed, stages of the cross interactive session. I was blown away at the grace I felt overcome me, I have never felt so unworthy and so humbled by such a strong story. And to have it right in front of my face and broken down to each stage of Jesus' Ending, it was just so incredible to me. I never saw His death as such an amazing sacrifice. I knew what He had done for me was beyond my comprehension through out my youth, but to sit at the foot of the cross and come to the realization of his compassion and pure love, I couldn't do much but weep in happiness and it remorse. I have not lived my life like I should, and throughout I knew that halfheartedly it was wrong.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Its been a couple of months since my last post, but i have my reasons. One of which is because I moved 3 times since then and "blogging" was just not on my agenda. I have recently settled into my cozy new abode as a live-in nanny. I couldn't be more happy to wake up to an empty house, clean all day and then play with the 3 kids until dinner! BUT lets get real even though my job is great, the family is awesome, and the kids rock, it is A LOT of work! I have been on this organization kick and I'm sure that if I can stick with it I will be very successful in the future. I've really found a passion in de-cluttering. Well de-cluttering other peoples things :) My room is continually a work in progress. My boss has a big picture for my room, but working as much and as hard as she does it hasn't all come together completely just yet. I will post pictures as it does. Life just keeps throwing things at me!
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